This afternoon I was driving home and a song from my past came on and I got lost in nostalgia. It was a slow country song I used to listen to on my now husband’s back porch overlooking the water at sunset with a glass of wine in hand and the excitement of the night, the weekend, and life in general ahead. The feeling of peace and hope and excitement came flushing back. That feeling was quickly followed by a lump in my throat because it felt so familiar yet truly so foreign these days.
I feel like I do a good job of appreciating my life and having gratitude in the moment but that doesn’t mean I have that excited feeling of hope and promise bubbling up in me. I rarely do these days. I am not sure if I can truly blame it all on infertility. It may partially be that now that I have my son I feel a low hum of fear of anything bad happening, am always focusing on the next meal, nap or play for him and just plain concentrating on being responsible. It may be that as we get older the stakes in life get higher. People you know start to get sick, the things you love and have feel more important and life just seems messier.
It may be a combination of those things listed above but I know that the main part of me losing this feeling is this IF battle. If I am honest it has taken my hopeful and ignorant zest for the future away. Hopefully it is temporary but it is faded for now. I am constantly guarding my feelings that this is finally the right protocol or this Ivf cycle will work or this cramp in my left side is a good sign. I have lost that excitement for growing my family, for announcing a pregnancy, a gender reveal, excitedly discussing with my husband if we should have a third kid etc. All that family planning and growing excitement is gone. Instead it feels like I am just coping. I am just preparing to handle the worst and too scared to get excited for the best.
That is no way to live and it makes me a little sad and quite angry. I have always had so much enthusiasm and optimism. It is what people love about me, a big part of my professional success and actually my favorite part about myself. Life has always been pretty fun in my own head and this struggle has really dampened it.
The good news is I know this is temporary (cue trusty optimism). I am working so hard everyday to stay positive. To make sure the people around me haven’t lost the real me and to make sure the real me is still near the surface ready to emerge. I am hopeful that when this is all over and I can start talking and thinking about much more enjoyable things. Where to vacation not where to cycle. Parenting philosophy not IVF protocol. Dinner out with friends not evening stim shots. College fund not high interest credit cards. The list goes on.
To make sure I don’t lose this excitement and enthusiasm for the future completely, I am going to work hard to put myself in positions to feel it. Rejoice in other’s good fortune (especially you all), lots of time with my sisters, dinners with friends where that second glass takes you somewhere happy and you forget about IF for moment. Wishing you all plenty of these moments during this holiday weekend. Xo