This afternoon I was driving home and a song from my past came on and I got lost in nostalgia. It was a slow country song I used to listen to on my now husband’s back porch overlooking the water at sunset with a glass of wine in hand and the excitement of the night, the weekend, and life in general ahead. The feeling of peace and hope and excitement came flushing back. That feeling was quickly followed by a lump in my throat because it felt so familiar yet truly so foreign these days.
I feel like I do a good job of appreciating my life and having gratitude in the moment but that doesn’t mean I have that excited feeling of hope and promise bubbling up in me. I rarely do these days. I am not sure if I can truly blame it all on infertility. It may partially be that now that I have my son I feel a low hum of fear of anything bad happening, am always focusing on the next meal, nap or play for him and just plain concentrating on being responsible. It may be that as we get older the stakes in life get higher. People you know start to get sick, the things you love and have feel more important and life just seems messier.
It may be a combination of those things listed above but I know that the main part of me losing this feeling is this IF battle. If I am honest it has taken my hopeful and ignorant zest for the future away. Hopefully it is temporary but it is faded for now. I am constantly guarding my feelings that this is finally the right protocol or this Ivf cycle will work or this cramp in my left side is a good sign. I have lost that excitement for growing my family, for announcing a pregnancy, a gender reveal, excitedly discussing with my husband if we should have a third kid etc. All that family planning and growing excitement is gone. Instead it feels like I am just coping. I am just preparing to handle the worst and too scared to get excited for the best.
That is no way to live and it makes me a little sad and quite angry. I have always had so much enthusiasm and optimism. It is what people love about me, a big part of my professional success and actually my favorite part about myself. Life has always been pretty fun in my own head and this struggle has really dampened it.
The good news is I know this is temporary (cue trusty optimism). I am working so hard everyday to stay positive. To make sure the people around me haven’t lost the real me and to make sure the real me is still near the surface ready to emerge. I am hopeful that when this is all over and I can start talking and thinking about much more enjoyable things. Where to vacation not where to cycle. Parenting philosophy not IVF protocol. Dinner out with friends not evening stim shots. College fund not high interest credit cards. The list goes on.
To make sure I don’t lose this excitement and enthusiasm for the future completely, I am going to work hard to put myself in positions to feel it. Rejoice in other’s good fortune (especially you all), lots of time with my sisters, dinners with friends where that second glass takes you somewhere happy and you forget about IF for moment. Wishing you all plenty of these moments during this holiday weekend. Xo
My Perfect Breakdown said:
Your love and zest for life is something I have come to very much admire about you. And your optimism is nothing short of amazing.
I know we all have bad days and some are worse then others, but I also know that somehow those bad days make the good days even better. I truly believe that’s the “blessing” of infertility and loss – we know how bad it can be so we cherish and enjoy the good times that much more. And I hope your are always able to continue to embrace those good days and those happy moments.
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mamajo23 said:
So perfectly said! Thank you for your constant light in my life. Xoxo
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EmilyMaine said:
IF really does rob you of yourself after awhile, I totally agree. I feel more like myself now than I did 12 mths ago but until that baby is in my arms and we make it through those first 12 months I’m not sure I will be able to really relax and be me. It is such a long road. I hope you get to see some glimpses of you as you walk through the IF forest xx
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. Glad you are on your way to finding you again 🙂
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notpregnantinrezza said:
You show such incredible strength in fighting for the family that you want. Infertility takes such an incredible toll in so many areas of your life. I hope so much that you are soon rewarded for your fight xx
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much. That gave me a little extra energy this morning!! Xoxo
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valleyally said:
So much is taken from us through this process. I have had these moments too where I long to be the old me. My happy go lucky self who knew nothing of the pain of IF…
Our innocence is long gone, but as much as I feel IF has taken something from me I need to remember how much it has given me (and you) too. I feel like our eyes are wider in this world. We see things and understand pain and grief that most woman don’t understand. You and I are stronger than we ever knew before. We are capable of staring our fears down and charging forward. As much as I may want to curl into a ball and cry some days, I don’t…. Instead I found a support system of “strangers” who became “sisters from afar”. Their words can ease my pain and lift me up. I have learned that sharing is power and it helps heal.
You have helped me so many times along my journey. I hope you understand the power of your gift when you leave encouraging thoughts for others. It makes my day ! Thank you for all the smiles you have brought to my face on this path. You have helped me feel less alone on this path. Have faith…We will win this fight… We just need to keep charging ahead together. Xx
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mamajo23 said:
Yes! All of this! You are so right and I needed this reminder. IF has given us so much too. Thank you for giving me this gift today. Xo
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stealingnectar said:
This resonates with me so much. I am a generally optimistic person, too, but the last few years have been tough! You are doing great though and I know the joy will start to seep back into your life more permanently. This is just a phase. This is what I have told myself, and I think I might be in the next phase finally now. Hugs to you!
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mamajo23 said:
I am so so happy to hear you are in that next phase. It makes me feel joy for you and hope for all of us. Thank you for supporting me along the way. How are you feeling? Getting big and uncomfortable yet?
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stealingnectar said:
I am hesitant to say I am in the next phase, but it seems sure enough. If this baby can come healthy in about 7 weeks, I will finally be able to put biological reproduction behind me! (Adoption is another story!) I am still feeling really well. Just hungry and tired, but I can indulge myself in those needs usually so I am lucky! I am getting very big and it’s getting harder to find clothes that fit! What a great problem to have!!! I am not too uncomfortable but I am just starting to think it might be okay to have my body to myself again. I am enjoying every pregnancy moment though! It’s easy to relish it when it’s so clear this should be my one and only full term (or close) pregnancy. I am waiting for the day you have happy news too! I believe this phase will end!
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mamajo23 said:
I love reading this. Hope the next 7 weeks bring you lots of joy but go by fast. So excited for this next phase for you!
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stealingnectar said:
Thank you so much!!!!
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Nara said:
You are one of the most optimistic people I can think of, and for you to have moments of feeling less than optimistic only makes you human. You are a light to many of us going through infertility and loss… You are so valued, and so loved. So by all means, be happy for what you have, but know that we all have your back if once in a while you want to rail at the unfairness of it all. Because it is unfair! If babies only went to nice people, you’d have hundreds! Sending you hugs. Xx
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mamajo23 said:
Oh wow. Thank you for this very kind words. Made me even tear up a bit. Your good fortune continues to give me a boost. Hoping the time until ultrasound is flying by. Xoxo
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Nara said:
Not quite! But not long to go… Sending you love. X
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