Thank you all so much for your insights and comments and endless support. I feel lifted up. The plan now is to get surgery in the next month then try one or two more cycles tops with my own eggs then move to donor. I think this is a great compromise because my husband can feel like we have done everything in our power but I can feel like there is an end to my endless IVF purgatory.
So for now I am drinking some caffeine (amazing how bright the world looks through a chai latte) and having a little wine (amazing how doable the next six plus months look through a little wine buzz lens :).
While I was miscarrying I grieved hard and often. Fitful sobs a few times a day when you can literally feel the hope of life leaving you. It is painful and raw and really really hard and exhausting. Unfortunately so many of you know this far worse than I. Through this grieving I also felt a deep appreciation for what is good and right in my life. I held my husband tighter. I kissed my miracle toddler nonstop and I feel bursts of immense gratitude and raw and deep love.
I am not sure I can articulate this well but after this period of grief, the world feels brighter and almost more precious. Almost like a huge rainstorm came passing through and you can now feel every warm ray from the emerging sun and smell the freshness of the ground cleansed by rain. I walk around feeling and noticing beauty around me a bit more. I appreciate the moment in the grass with my son as the warm sun hits our backs and he babbles about the puppies coming down the path. I notice the strong and comforting smell of my husband’s aftershave when we kiss good by in the morning. I am grateful for this reaction I have once the crippling grief passes. I like to think it speaks of our relentless strength and optimism and hope we all must carry to keep fighting this battle. I hold fierce to my pledge not to let IF/RPL steal my joy for life.
I have trained my brain to stop saying ‘you are no longer pregnant’ and instead say ‘you are not yet pregnant’. It helps me pass others with a growing belly and feel love instead of pain. It helps me not panic thinking of another wave of pregnancy announcements that I ‘could’ have been a part of. So for now– I am not yet pregnant but celebrating all of you that are and many of you that will be soon. And as always- I hold all of you struggling deep in my thoughts and heart.
xoxo
myrainbowdream said:
I am so glad you have a plan, I always feel better with a plan and it is one that you are both happy to move forward with which is so important. Reading the pain you are going through brings it back, you certainly captured the heartache in your words. It does change your outlook on life and makes the love you feel for your husband so much stronger, it did for me. I did not know how strong I was till I had been through the horror of miscarriage and times when I have been low since I have reminded myself how strong I am. You are an amazing strong woman and I always have admiration for your positive outlook on life. Enjoy that wine and chai, you more than deserve it! xo
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mamajo23 said:
Thanks love. Excited for you to be PUPO!
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EmilyMaine said:
You are a truly amazing woman X
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mamajo23 said:
That means a lot coming from another remarkable lady. Xo
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stealingnectar said:
Beautiful. I can feel your emotions and have felt them myself many times. So poetic and yet real. You are such an inspiration. I just really love who you are. I am so glad you have a plan and it sounds wonderful! I enjoyed knowing, this last time I was pregnant, that it was the last time, miscarriage or not. The end being in sight is such a good thing for your sanity. Much love to you. Thanks for describing your grief and healing so beautifully. I really felt it!
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mamajo23 said:
Well I certainly love who you are too! Thank you for being here!
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countyourselfunlucky said:
You have been through so much, I admire you for you courage and determination to get through the hard times whilst remaining true to the things that are important to you. I’m truly sorry that you have been through so much, I hope that you will be able to grow your family soon. Thinking of you and sending love xxx
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LG&LG said:
I totally feel what you feel. Wishing you peace and clarity as you move forward.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you friend!
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theskyandback said:
I agree, grief makes life feel more precious beautiful and clear somehow. Sending you love. Are you getting endo surgery locally or with Braverman’s dude? If the latter, I will come see you!
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mamajo23 said:
Xoxo
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My Own Parade said:
Your plan sounds great. I so hope it will bring you some answers. You and your fam are one remarkable team!
Big hugs from me to you… my heart feels deeply for you and I admire you so much. Hang in there my friend. Xo
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you! I admire you tremendously too. Xo
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notpregnantinrezza said:
I’m really glad you have a plan that you and your husband can both feel okay with. You’re ability to push through such grief to keep working towards your goal really is inspiring. Best of luck with the endo surgery xx
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much for your words of support!
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scrambledeggsandsundry said:
First off I am so very sorry for your loss. No words can bring comfort to that grief, but I can relate to what you said about finding value in the good moments more now than before. Going through this journey has made me realize that life can change from moment to moment, tragically. So I try and appreciate the moments that are good, because life is so very hard. I am so glad you and your husband have found strength in each other. Praying for you and sending you peaceful wishes ❤
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mamajo23 said:
That is a great way to put it and such a valuable lesson- moment by moment. Thank you!
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30yr old nothing said:
All the best of luck with this plan. You are not pregnant YET! xxx
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mamajo23 said:
Yes- just not YET. Thank you!
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ourgreatestdesire said:
I always look forward to posts from you because I always feel like I learn something about being a better, more joyful person from you. Sending you lots of love, my Friend!
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mamajo23 said:
Well that made me tear up. Thank you so much for those words. Lots of love to you.
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ourgreatestdesire said:
I meant every word!
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Dreaming of Diapers said:
Yes….positivity is key…I found that once I changed my mindset…it made a lot more sense. Seeing the beauty in it all….xoxo
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mamajo23 said:
Exactly! Your story and attitude carries me a lot. Excited for your imminent arrival!
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The EcoFeminist said:
Beautiful words. Today I am sitting on the couch going through my medically induced miscarriage after finding out the baby did not make it, and I keep just telling myself that letting this go will make room for the baby that’s supposed to be there. But it hurts, it hurts so much.
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mamajo23 said:
I am so so sorry for this pain. My heart is with you. But that is a beautiful way to put it. Your precious one just hasn’t arrived yet but he or she will. Sending you all my love.
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