It’s a pretty great feeling when you turn the corner on feeling like a victim or that life is unfair and embrace where you are at right in this moment. The realization of how far I have come hit me today.
For a while early in this journey I would wallow in the diagnosis and the despair of a negative pregnancy test month after month while my peers around me were gleefully pro creating. I hid at home and in the comfort of just my husband simply wishing the days away and waking up with a dread in my gut realizing it wasn’t all just a dream.
Then- after realizing how isolating and damaging this approach was I slowly crawled out of my hole. I took ownership of my story, I embraced it and began to feel powerful for enduring instead of shameful for my struggles.
How far I have come and how lucky I am struck me this morning as I was driving to a Fedex ( business office) to fill out and fax yet another round of donor cycle paperwork. I fielded calls from six amazing and supportive women ( my mom, two sisters and three best friends) and felt joy in my heart for how rich I am in friendship and family. I am now in a place where other pregnancies give me joy even through my tight knit group is protective and careful of me. I feel great pride to be surrounded by such lovely people and I feel gratitude that I am mentally able to enjoy it and to enjoy the moment even after 10 failed IVF cycles and now the expensive pursuit of donor eggs.
I guess what I am trying to say is I think we ‘win’ this battle not when we fall pregnant or finally have a baby ( that is simply the lifelong victory lap) but when we decide to no longer fall victim to our diagnosis and manage to embrace what is our fight and battle it with hope and grace each day. When we are able to defeat jealousy, overcome shame and find the joy in life as it is, not as we want it to be.
Don’t get me wrong- I have moments of deep pain, sharp jealousy and even creeping despair. These moments come when I sign yet another huge loan, see a young Mom with a bunch of kids and a growing belly or any other usual trigger. But what I have found is these moments are rare and usually fleeting. I made a decision to own this path and to stop pining over ‘what ifs’ and focus on ‘what is’ and ‘what will be’. I think this win has given me much needed confidence after the big blow the infertility diagnosis gave me.
Wishing you all peace, mental strength and hope wherever you are in this fight.
ps– so far on track for a November donor cycle but we all know things can change.