While I am in a happy and peaceful place for the most part, I still have moments of grief and sadness that hit me out of nowhere. I wonder if this will always be the case or if having another child will finally end these. They are few and far between but powerful.
For example- my husband and son and I met our best friend’s son and his father for a gorgeous stroll in Muir Woods. It is incredibly beautiful and cozy and the walk with my little family and our friends was everything I pictured it would be when I pined for a child. Then towards the end, our friend casually started talking about putting together nursery furniture for their second baby due in a few weeks. It hit me so sudden and hard. I want to be doing that. I want another baby growing safely in my belly while my little son runs around. Why can’t we have something so easy for others? As I chased after both little boys and made them giggle and squeal it all seemed so unfair.
I quickly recognized my victim like thinking and sent it off where all my bad thoughts go- into oblivion. But the pain lingered on. I thought I would have the chaos of two children by now. I didn’t think I would continually be lapped by friends innocently and easily growing their family. It helps to have hope ahead. But it is just that. Hope. No guarantees.
But guess what? That is life. Even having everything you want is no guarantee. It can all be gone in an instant. Children get sick, accidents happen and hardship hits. We don’t know what tomorrow brings. So this morning I woke up with gratitude in my heart for my healthy son, my happy family and hope that lies ahead. I am truly one of the lucky ones. I hold on tight to that knowledge when these thoughts and feelings creep in.
Hope you all have a good start to the week and hope for the future. Xo
My Perfect Breakdown said:
I understand this so well. Hearing of friends and family having their second (or third) chils always pulls at my hearts strings. I was once naive enough to think we’d have 2 by now (innocence sure is nice) so I to feel myself getting slightly jaded when others are continually lapping me. But now in those moments I remind myself to be extra thankful for our one because thankfully we do have him to smoother with love. Sending love my friend, I know how hard these moments can be.
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Yes- you are so right. So much love to you.
LikeLike
Surviving Infertility said:
Im sorry. I havent even had my first, but I too could imagine thinking that same thought you did about how u want to be preparing for a second. The desire to mother is so deep. Sending love.
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
So so true. Love to you and thank you for supporting me
LikeLiked by 1 person
LG&LG said:
I know exactly how you feel. I always get this feeling like I’m going underwater when someone starts talking about having a second kid. It’s hard not to mourn what we’re missing out on–because we know EXACTLY what we’re missing out on. You’re right though. We can’t control it and we can’t let it take over our lives because we are truly lucky to have that number one! Every night I tuck my son into bed I say “Good night, I love you, you’re my number one!” one day I imagine I might change that to, “you’re my one and only” but that would be ok because we really did break the mold with him! Hugs to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Your words are beautiful and your support means a lot. Hugs back!
LikeLiked by 1 person
EmilyMaine said:
I remember that ache. Even now that I have the second one I have a constant fear within me that something will happen to snatch one of my children from me – one of those accidents you refer to in your post. I think my walk in the garden of secondary infertility has truly made me see how fragile life is and that we don’t always get what we want even when it seems we should and that is a hard lesson to learn. I remain ever so hopeful that your little baby is watching and preparing to come to you soon. x
LikeLike
RJ said:
While I only have one I can understand where you’re coming from. Grief doesn’t ever go away and we just learn to deal with it. You take everything with such grace and I hope your second is just around the corner. Hugs.
LikeLike
stealingnectar said:
Aww, this is so perfectly normal and valid. You have an amazing attitude and you wouldn’t be human at all if you didn’t have moments of grief. The lapping as you so articulately call it is hard because it creates moments of desperation to catch up. And why can’t we want our families to grow with our friends’ and families’? I think that makes perfect sense. Thinking of you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Totally does. Thinking of you too. Your miracle story makes me smile often.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nara said:
I can’t pretend I understand how it feels to want another child because long ago I downsized my wishes to only want one. But I assume it must be similar to wanting a child and not having one… and of course I can relate to friends and family lapping – I think most of them did that years ago! I think it must be hard also to want that sibling for your child, to make them happy. Sorry you’re having a tough time of it right now. We are all sending you love. X
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Appreciate you being empathetic even though I am so fortunate to have my miracle son! Xoxo
LikeLike
myrainbowdream said:
Sorry you are feeling this, it just hits you like a wave doesn’t it. I have had one of those days myself where I could just weep about my situation. It is okay to feel like this though, I certainly allow myself but try not to let it get hold of me. Its hard and yes we can not help but think why is it so easy for others but not for us. You are right though we can not take anything for granted in life. Sending hugs. xo
LikeLike
mamajo23 said:
Thank you love. You are so right!
LikeLike
jivf said:
Your positive attitude is inspirational. You’re right that there are no guarantees, only hope. Hoping this is the year for your second baby!
LikeLike
Dubliner in Deutschland said:
I think there will always be triggers like that. I find it hard being around super fertile friends who can just plan as many kids as they would like and it just happens for them. But on the other hand I also try to count my blessings, and appreciate what I do have like you wrote. There are no guarantees in life.
LikeLike
30yr old nothing said:
Sending you all my strength during those waves of despair. I really wish there was a magic word we could use to make the pain go away. Even just for a little while until we’re in a safe place to cry in peace. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Thank you xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
rese said:
We chose donor eggs for our second son, who is now 10 months old. I found I went through such extreme sadness letting go of my own fertility. I struggled with it everyday during my pregnancy, which suprised me because I was so sure that once we made the decision and I got pregnant it would all disappear. My therapist explained it was quite normal to be happy about being pregnant while still grieving. I think about it less often now, perhaps I am just too busy being a mom!. But, it still comes up, especially around ovulation times. Sometimes I think that if I could get pregnant on my own that I would somehow not feel broken anymore! So clearly, I still am working out some stuff! I think my husband thinks I might be crazy! I have never regretted making the decision to choose donor eggs, and I am so thankful for both my boys, but it has turned out to be much more complicated emotionally than I ever expected.
LikeLike
mamajo23 said:
So appreciate you sharing that. I totally get the desire not to be broken. Very happy you were able to have another little boy!
LikeLike
Kaley said:
Thank you for your transparency. ❤️ although I haven’t struggled with infertility in particular, I did have a miscarriage early this year around 10 weeks. I remember how I had friends (and a sister-in-law) all pregnant together within weeks of each other. I remember the feelings I felt when the day came that they went to the hospital to meet their baby and I was home instead. Loss is so difficult: loss of a child, or loss of the thought of one. I’m so sorry — but appreciate your strength to write.
LikeLike
mamajo23 said:
I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like such a lovely and empathetic person. I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts. Xo
LikeLiked by 1 person